The Mayonnaise Man

My son turns 25 tomorrow. I sent him mayonnaise. What a good mommy am I! What an extravagant present. So meaningful. Actually, it is.

Mommy, I would like a salt, pepper and mayonnaise sandwich.

Really? I’ve never heard of that.

I am making it up. I’ll show you.

Noah is six. He is sitting at the kitchen counter as I retrieve the mayonnaise, bread, salt and pepper and place them on a cutting board.

So, first you put the mayonnaise on the bread. Then you put on salt and pepper. I’ll show you how much. Then after you close the sandwich, you add more salt and pepper to the top of the bread. No, that’s not enough. I’ll show you.

Upon reflection, that was the first time Noah displayed any signs of an interest in food preparation. The coveted mayonnaise, salt and pepper sandwich. It has not made its way onto any sub shop menu I’m aware of but it was the beginning of Dammit Boy’s obsession with mayonnaise.

He graduated from his original sandwich to dunking French Fries in copious amounts of mayo. I think he tried to add it to quesadillas, the first real dish he cooked. If we were eating out and the mayonnaise came in packets he would ask for extra. He may or may not have stolen them from the dining hall at UT.

When he got to Russia last year he was thrilled to find that in the Russian Federation mayonnaise came in a pouch with a spout. During a Skype call he demonstrated the technique for directing the mayo directly into his mouth.

Which brings us to why I decided to send him mayonnaise for his birthday. As everyone knows, Duke’s Mayonnaise is the best mayonnaise in the world but you can only get it in the South. When Noah moved to Monterey, I sent a case of it with him. He told me the other day that he’d run out.

That is not allowed. It is a sad, dispiriting and bleak world without Duke’s. I had warned him before he moved that his access to Duke’s would be nil but he ignored me. Well, the chickens came home to roost and he realized that pursuing his career in international diplomacy might have been a mistake given the fact that there’s no Duke’s in Moscow or even Monterey.

Mayonnaise, salt and pepper sandwich anyone? Anyone? I didn’t think so. But if you want I’ll show you how.


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