The blizzard of ’13

Categories:breads
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Blizzard 3We are preparing for the worst here at 5117 because there is snow coming! Northerners mock us for our lack of bravery in the face of frozen precipitation, but I will now show you that we know exactly what to do even as the snow begins to fall.

This poor couple barely made it from the door to their car.

This poor couple barely made it from the door to their car.

I have documented my dangerous journey to stock up on provisions to show you the terrible conditions I was battling. By the way I took most of these photos from my car as the weather was too severe to risk exposure. First, in the South, we go to the grocery store and we buy all the bread. Not because we like bread that much. Someone told us to do this long ago, like some fortune teller or weatherman. We don’t remember. We just do it. As you can see from the photo, or maybe you can’t,  it has started to snow.

It's really coming down now.

It’s really coming down now.

Once we have our trunks entirely filled with bags and bags of bread, we head for the liquor store. If we are snowed in for days, we want to be able to get stupidly drunk as often as possible so that we cannot consider the terrible fate that awaits us if we exit the premises and get lost in a one-inch snow drift. You cannot see it in the photo, but the proprietors of the liquor store have thoughtfully set up ropes from the store to the parking lot so that if we get lost in the blizzard we can pull ourselves back to the store and just get drunk there.

It was perilous to attempt this journey to the store but I was out of cat food (and bread) and I feared if we are snowed in too long the cats will start eying us as a substitute for the Indoor Cat Formula. You probably think your pets love you. Trust me, in certain situations they don’t.

“You be careful out there, ” the nice Publix manager said as I steeled my shoulder to the snowy onslaught and fought my way to the car (truly, he really said that).

Provisions

Provisions

I made it home safely, thank the Lord, and I am now ready for whatever comes. By my calculations, I will be able to withstand isolation and deprivation for approximately, oh (counting my box wine), four days. I rather doubt my Northern brethren are this well prepared for the kind of cataclysmic event we’re about to endure.  Take a lesson. What would Jesus do? Bread and wine. Bread and wine.

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