Alert, alert: Bacon crisis!

Listen up, people. This is serious. The drought may have messed with your yard and killed your pansies, but now there is a much more severe consequence. Agricultural experts are predicting a bacon shortage.

This, of course, will have a profound impact on one of the nation’s premiere pork events, Bacon Wednesday at the Community Resource Center. By the way, I haven’t told Betsy yet. Don’t tell. I’m going to have to sedate her before I break the news.

Why are we going to have a bacon shortage? Corn. It’s what pigs eat and corn just took a beating this summer. Less corn = less pigs. And less pigs = less bacon. There are other realms that will also be profoundly affected. Like your BBQ? Eat up, folks. There will be less of that, too. And ribs? Only two sets to a pig and there won’t be many of them to go around come summer of 2013. But, let’s face it, bacon is the real killer. Oh, sausage. Forgot about sausage. Are we thinking that 2012 is just going to suck? Possibly.

Of course, there will be those who prey on the weak and disenfranchised. I am speaking, of course, of the damnable turkey bacon producers. They will try to tell you it tastes just like bacon. It does not. It in no way resembles bacon in the slightest. But we may have to close our eyes, shut our noses and pretend.

Hoarding. I think that is the answer. First of all, don’t tell a single soul about this looming crisis. Every week when you go to the supermarket, just pick up eight or 10 packages of bacon, like you’re about to have  a party. In fact, tell the check-out lady that so she doesn’t get suspicious. You might have to cover your tracks and hit five or six different stores so you don’t attract attention. Don’t shop in Brentwood. That’s my territory.

While you’re at the store, pick up some water chestnuts and wrap them up in a little bit of pork gold. Don’t tell anyone you’re making them. You know you don’t want to share knowing what you know is coming.

Bacon-wrapped water chestnuts

Bacon

1 8-ounce can whole water chestnuts

½ cup ketchup

¼ cup dark brown sugar

1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Line a rimmed cookie sheet with heavy duty tin foil. Cut the bacon slices into thirds. Wrap each water chestnut with a piece of bacon and secure with a wooden toothpick.

Bake for about 45 minutes, turning each piece once. If at the end of 45 minutes, the bacon is not crispy enough run it under the broiler for a few minutes.

Mix together the ketchup, brown sugar and Worcestershire sauce. Dip each bacon-wrapped water chestnut in the mixture and return to the oven for about 15 minutes.